I am in such a bad place right now.  I lost my job at the end of last year and have not yet found a new one. Although I want an actual real career, I'm willing to take temp roles and junior roles just to have a job, but I get rejected even from them.  I have bills piling up and rent due - the small amount of unemployment I receive does not even cover rent and food, let alone anything else. Our landlord has given us a 'no cause' notice to vacate the premises because they want to renovate so we have 60 days to find a new place.  Not quite sure how to move with no money.  I think we might end up living on the street or in the car. Seriously.  My old enemy depression is reaching with sharp claws into my soul and I don't know how to get through this period.  I really don't.  Maybe that makes me a sad sack or useless, but I really don't know how to cope. 

Happy Birthday
i hear myself screaming
again again again
vaguely as if removed
from the events happening
i wonder why i can't stop
i know i should or the neighbours will
hear
that's what he says
(stupid inconsiderate
bitch shut up its late people
are sleeping)
but the noise just comes out
and out and out and out
i am backed into the clothes
rack hands up to protect my face
i know some punches have hit
but i don't feel them
i am enveloped in screams and coats
just as quick as it
started the blows
(baby i'm sorry my god
look at your face
what have i done)
stop unlike my screams
they don't stop they keep
going and going and i
am still wondering
why i can't stop
the neighbours will hear
(baby i'm sorry)
hands try to embrace me but
i pull away don't want to be touched
but they pursue and i am
in the corner screaming
arms raised to shield
me from the hands that are
trying to comfort
(baby i'm so sorry)
me and they don't stop
neither do the low howls
that used to be
screams
i feel myself sink into
foetal position howling still
happy birthday

Well, it's been some time since I posted, but I am in fact alive.

Proof of the fact will be offered in this link to the Limerick Database, containing verse both witty and perverse (definitely NOT work safe).

What fragrance/cologne do you put on when it's your night out? 
Submitted by noiq.

Volupte by Oscar de la Renta

via Fatadelic

What work of art (film, book, record, whatever) changed your life?
Submitted by bodhibound.

The only book, film, record or whatever that I can truly claim changed my life is the movie of The Hours. 

I went and saw it at a time when I was desperately depressed and suicidal.  I struggled every day with the impulse to kill myself, to end it all.  I knew Virginia Woolf's pain as she weighted herself down with stones and stepped into the river.  I wept with empathy and pain when Julianne Moore's character decided to commit suicide despite being pregnant.

And could not restrain my shock when her character walked into Meryl Streep's party some 40 years after her supposed suicide.

I had never, until that moment, considered the possibility that I could survive being suicidal.  That I might be able to live through the pain I was going through.  That, despite feeling so desperate that death seemed the only option, I could avoid acting on the suicidal feelings and actually make it through.

So in a very real way, The Hours changed my life in such a way that it gave me the option to live.

God I hate my job.  I really truly do.   Its such a toxic situation here that I have recently had to take sick leave due to workplace bullying from my second line manager, which of course has just made the situation worse.  HR may tell you that they are there for the employees, but really, their purpose is to serve the company - and the company is served if we all shut up and work like good little drones without making any waves.   And, of course, even if the problem is the manager (ie. it is not just me that he bullies) it is far easier to manage an employee out than to manage the manager out.   

Why, yes, I am bitter.  Why do you ask.

So why don't I leave?   Well, that is on the cards, but I want to stick it out to my 10 year anniversary which is coming up soonish, as in Australia that means we get an additional 4 weeks long service leave on top of the normal annual leave.  And if you resign, it is paid out to you (but is, unforutunately, taxed as a lump sum).

Right now, I am being a bad employee and blogging while at work.  But I really can't bring myself to give a flying hoot. 

Audio: What's your favorite carol or holiday song?

Wood Cabin in Snow